i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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