anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
