Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
