Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.