well he's currently spooning the coffee table
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?