Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life