Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
