I skipped work to stalk him.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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