Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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