well I can't set my house on fire every night
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
