Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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