Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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