seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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