I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
