Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
