toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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