I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
