and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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