I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
