please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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