there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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