To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
