I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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