the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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