I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
