put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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