I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
