I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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