my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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