The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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