got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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