Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
