we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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