The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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