We won't sleep together?
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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