Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
