i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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