1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
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WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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