One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
where are my eyebrows?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
