I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
