I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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