Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
