There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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