There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
