He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
