Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I need help removing her.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
