i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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