Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
