you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
