her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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