i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
