Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
