At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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