Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
