The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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