I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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