life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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