I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
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she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
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Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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