i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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