my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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