hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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