I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
