At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
